im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
