Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
