Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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