Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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