Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Who did Billy Mays play for?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
