Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
