People in love make me want to vomit
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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