just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
