Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
