She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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