the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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