Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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