My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Randomize
