I am spending my child support on dildos
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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