if only i could text you this smell
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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