My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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