I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
