i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
