Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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