Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
She's not a foreskin expert like you
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
