I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
