i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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