I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
