Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I need a beard to bite.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
