if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
You were trust falling into bushes
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
