my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize