Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
