6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
