how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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