I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Randomize
