I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Randomize
