I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Even the bartender felt bad for me
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Randomize
