'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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