Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
