I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
