Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You were trust falling into bushes
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
