it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
