It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
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