just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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