Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
