if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
