ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Randomize
