apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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