is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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