Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Who died my cat blue again?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
