one word: firstdatebathroomanal
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
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