you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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