Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
