My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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