Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
