and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
