this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
