just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
