I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
i out mim tonsoeep
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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