ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize