im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
