Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize