All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just threw up on my dentist
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
