No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Randomize
