I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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